- by Keshawnta J.

I was very reluctant to watch “I Love New York,” the show on VH-1 dedicated to finding love for New York, formerly of the “Flavor of Love” shows. Yet, it was like a train wreck and I couldn’t turn away so I had to check it out.

The show begins by showing a group of obviously desperate and depraved men standing outside of New York’s mansion. Then the camera cuts to New York, sitting in her boudoir shining up her legs and breasts with Vaseline and lighting a cigarette.

Already this show is outrageous. Who the hell is using Vaseline like that in this millennium, seriously? Her make up looks like something that should only be worn by clowns or other circus performers. She looks exactly like Janice the Muppet, which is not good.

We are then treated to clips of New York’s buffoonery during her time on seasons 1 and 2 of “Flavor of Love”. Looking at the then and now, she appears to be uglier than ever.

The decor of the house is really tacky and ostentatious. I am talking tacky and ostentatious of Kimora Simmons proportions.

An overly feminine gay man comes out to greet the guys and the men actually begin to scatter when they see him. He announces that he is NY’s personal stylist and assistant. Seeing the way she’s styled makes me wish he’d look for another job. He himself is wearing all kinds of hot pink articles of clothing and looking all the world like an oversexed, homosexual flamingo. From all appearances he is going to be the Big Rick, to NY’s Flav.

Thus far the show appears to be a complete replica of “Flavor of Love”.
Being that this is the case, this show is going to have to be as good or better than “Flavor of Love” and I don’t think NY is either interesting or entertaining enough to provide the level of buffoonery we were all afforded with Flav’s show.

One of the guys says that the house was some pimp type shit and seriously, it was that trashy. I could totally see Pimpin’ Ken and Don “Magic” Juan being at home in this broken down palace.

Then NY is announced by Chamo and the men begin to hoot and holler like she is some prize. Then one overly unattractive guy says, “She didn’t come from no Cro-Magnon man, there was a divine wisdom that put that together.”

That statement was an insult to the Cro-Magnon man. Honestly it looked like evolution skipped some stages and went straight from the Neanderthal to Tiffany Patterson, New York’s given name.

Then one guy shouts out, “You put the hurt on my penis.” This has to be subtitled because without the subtitles it sounded like gibberish in another language.

We are then treated to complimentary commentary from a few more of the suitors before NY let’s them roam free in her house. They act like five year olds, running around all willy nilly, jumping on beds, and other acts of total immaturity.

Shortly after, the guys are lined up for nicknames. They actually form a line and wait for NY to give them names.

Before the naming process begins, NY brings out her mom. Her mother is like Satan and I think I hate her. One guy who will later be named Chance interviews, “I said, Oh in the hell no”, upon realizing that Mrs. Patterson had become a part of the show. I love him a little already.

So her mom comes out looking just as bad as her daughter if not worse. The first thing that jumps out at me is her mom’s hairline. Her wig starts so far back its not even funny. I have a hard time believing that she is anything other than completely bald underneath the wig.

We are first introduced to Rico, who introduced himself as being smooth talking and Spanish. Him being Spanish will later be important. Now it is not.

Next up is Pootie. Pootie has like an s-curl and is not really cute, but not as ugly as most others in line behind him. He told NY’s mom that he now sees where NY gets her good looks from. Rather than being flattered by Pootie’s obvious bullshit, Mama NY says, “Don’t try to impress me, because I don’t impress easily.” This woman has nerve to spare.

Then there is Wood who is nicknamed Wood because it is his last name. He’s tall, bald, and has a 5 o’clock shadow. He’s brown skinned and pretty decent looking. NY’s mother says he looks familiar to her and NY agrees. Wood later tells them that he has been on four other reality shows including “Mr. Romance” and “Elimidate”. He is the answer to Hottie and Pumkin, the reality show groupies from season 1 of “Flavor of Love”.

Next, we are treated to an urban sounding white boy who tells them that he is 24 years old, from Miami, and grew up with a best friend who was a black boy named Josh. What the hell? He is simply given the name Whiteboy.

We are then introduced to Heat. He looks like a mafia reject. He says something about his grandfather and Mama NY gets up to hug him. He is given the name Heat, because he is the hottest man in the room. If that is true, it does not bode well for this show at all. There was nothing hot about Heat at all.

The luxury liner of man who proclaimed that New York had not evolved from Cro-Magnons, claims that he was once a skinny lad. This man is gargantuan, so his story means nothing. He is unattractive on about ten different levels and he’s greasy as well. He does not offset his horrible looks with his attire at all. He is wearing this button down shirt that says New York across the front. The shirt has huge horizontal stripes in blue, orange, grey, and white. His entire presentation is nothing short of disgusting. NY says, “He’s a larger man. He’s huge, he’s big, he’s greasy.”

All of those things are true. Due to him being big and greasy, she names him T-Bone, like the steak.

Mr. Boston is a stiff, white, financial advisor from Boston. He tried to get NY to call him stud, but she was not going for it as he’s about as far from a stud as one man could possibly be.

The next guy is a man who looks like he is related to the rapper Akon. He has hair that is just above the shoulders and looks like he got a bad relaxer. He has on a white suit, with red and other colors messily mixed in. He looks like a clown. Mama NY thinks he looks great. He then says, “My nickname is Tumbleweed because I’ve actually plant seeds of creative execution and ideas for companies and they’ve reaped billions of dollars off my ideas and concepts.”

Mama NY is smiling from ear to ear as she listened to Tumbleweed’s speech. I gather that she now thinks he’s rich.

By looking at him and listening to that little soliloquy all I got out of it was that he has taste issues and a very poor command of the English language. Him being rich seems more like a pipe dream of his than a reality. He made no sense in the world, yet Mama NY loved him and said, “He has a brain, he looks good in clothes. He’s the total package.”

That would be true, if the total package were trash. He is nicknamed T-Weed.

The stiffest guy is next up to bat and he tells the New Yorks that he is a tennis pro and a tennis coach. He’s the best looking man I’ve seen yet. He’s so boring and stiff though. NY names him Ace due to his tennis background. We are treated to all of 3 seconds of Ace on screen, which likely foreshadows that we will not being seeing him in episode 2.

Trendz is next. He is a skinny dark-skinned guy with semi-long dreadlocks. I think he’s cute. What I didn’t find so cute was the little rap he busted to Mama NY, it sucked.

Then there’s a skinny light-skinned guy who could seriously be the love child of R&B singers, John Legend and Lyfe Jennings. NY names him Bonez, because he is like a bag of bones. Then he starts talking about his love of God, which gets Mama NY up out of her seat to go shake his hand. This makes him think the God angle is working, so then he starts spouting off Bible scripture, which the demon seed that is Mama NY loves, surprisingly. I am so over this guy.

Next we have an adorable white guy, who in his pink shirt and green blazer looks like a watermelon. Or an AKA. He graduated from Georgetown and is pretty dull. He is named T-Money.

Next up is a brown skinned guy wearing an ugly shiny black shirt and a tacky baseball cap. He’s cute, but more so pretty. He also has some seriously long hair, which is braided. He steps up to NY and Mama NY and announces that he grew up in LA, is in the music industry, but is only on the show for New York as he’s already established in his music career.

Then we are treated to commentary from Chance and he says that Mr. grew up in LA is his brother and that he came there to prove to his brother that he is the better man.

Chance is really cute in my opinion and these guys really seem to have come from a pretty good gene pool. New York likes grew up in L.A. and gives him the nickname Real, because she’s feeling him. Real says, “Me and my brother kinda been in competition since damn near daycare. You know he’s competition, I ain’t gonna lie. But at the same time he don’t got enough up here (points to his head) to beat me.”

Whether or not Chance is smart enough to beat Real remains to be seen, but we will soon learn that Chance is not really smart at all, never mind being smart enough.

Finally we are formally introduced to Chance who thus far has had more screen time than anyone else who is not NY or her mother. He stepped up claiming that his name was Famous, which was a name bestowed upon him by the kids in his neighborhood. He is giving them some spiel about how hardcore he is and what he’s about. He is talking fast and it sounds like the speech a pimp gives the hoe he’s recruiting. It cracked me up.

He was given the name Chance because NY said she was taking a chance with him. NY says, “He was the most impressive. He’s got the most edge. That New York edge that I want.” And honestly, he does. This guys looks like trouble. He’s nice looking and outspoken. He can make good TV. He is brown skinned, with a gap in his front teeth, has a low caesar haircut and looks like what rapper Cam’Ron would look like if he were better looking.

Mama NY let’s Chance know to stay out of her way. She hates him already.

Lastly we meet a corny looking blond, white guy who is more flaming than Chamo. He makes little feminine Chamo look butch, actually.

He announces that he is Cupid and he is the Romanian God of love. Yes, the Romanian God of love were his exact words. I can only surmise that he meant Roman, but who knows? This kid’s a kook. He then says, “The cover of my book may not be the sexiest or the most expensive, but the cover of my book will put you in a dream.”

I know a 5-year-old who can kick better game than this dude.

He gives NY a gift. He then begins talking about his dog. He says, “3 weeks ago, I had a tragic accident and lost the love of my life. She was a Yorkshire teacup princess and she was my everything and I treated her like the princess that she was. She meant the world to me and I will treat you just as good as the princess you are if not better.”

He’s broken down crying by the end of his lamentation for the dog and NY gets up to hug him, while her mom stares at him incredulously. He opens the gift he gave her and it is a picture of him and that damned dog.

By this time even Mama NY is moved by this psychotic and emotional breakdown and also gets up to hug him. Chamo is on the sidelines looking at the three of them like they’re crazy, which is likely the case.

Coming to her senses Mama NY tells dog boy that he needs therapy. NY thought he was cute, but her mom laughs and calls him a kook and begins imitating him. She fake sobs and says, “Oh, I’m gonna treat you like my puppy. I don’t have my puppy anymore, but you can take its place.” It was hilarious.

NY names him Romance. I was beyond put off by this guy. Between him obviously being gay, his sickening Midwestern accent, and crying over his dog, I have no idea which is worse.

NY knows her mom was unimpressed with most of the guys, so she asks Mama NY to give them a chance.

After this drawn out nicknaming ceremony, everyone is out in the backyard mingling. Chance goes over to bring Mama NY a soda and says, “This is fo’ the mothaaa. I gocho back mama, whatever you need.”

He still sounds like a pimp and Mama NY looks utterly disgusted by his mere presence. She takes the glass and sits it on the table, but by the look on her face, you know she will not drink from that glass.

Chance takes NY aside and tells her that he is really hardcore. Meanwhile, a small group of these groupie ass men are sitting with Mama NY who threatens them by telling them not to mess with her because she’s a brown belt and she will take them down.

This woman is a true nut. I can’t even hate her as much as I want to, because she is so funny at times.

Back to Chance and NY. He tells NY that her mom thinks he’s a player and that everyone always thinks he’s a player. He tries to sound exasperated by the whole thing, but it comes out sounding like pride. He claims he’s not a player. NY seems pretty drunk by this point and raises her glass to him and tells him that he’s in there with her.

As they continue talking, goofy Mr. Boston comes over to interrupt. This pisses Chance off. Mr. Boston says he gave Chance and NY two minutes and that was plenty of time for Chance to get his name across and that was enough. They begin to argue, with Chance being way more upset than is necessary and Mr. Boston surprisingly doesn’t back down from him.

Real says that he’s going to allow his brother to be himself, but if he continues to act out, he will check him. I think he should take action immediately and not even wait for more outbursts from his brother. This kid is like a ticking time bomb.

The argument continues. New York is turned on by the fact that Chance is a thug and that he drinks alot. Yes, this guy is real husband material, a drunken homothug. Then Mr. Boston tells Chance that he needs Ritalin and I sort of agree. Chance is too all over the place. He either needs Ritalin or to stop swilling liquor, but something has got to give. He is clearly not operating on all cylinders.

New York is also turned on to the fact that Mr. Boston, who is seemingly suburban and sheltered, had the audacity to step to an urban brother. I am not sold on Chance being urban or a thug. Just ghetto.

Then Chance interviews, “Mr. Boston talking about I need Ritalin and shit like that. Man, I need Ritalin? Man, come on man, what is Ritalin?” True story, this guy is insane and I still love him for it, although I would like him to tone it down a bit.

Then big, greasy T-Bone gets some One on One time with New York. He tells her that her mom asked him a very poignant question, which was when was the last time he was intimate with a female. He beat around the bush, talking about not being one to brag about his sexual conquests, which is a dead give away that he gets absolutely no ass.

NY stopped him and asked him to simply answer the question and he did. He told her it had been 3 years. Not for nothing, this guy is lucky not to still be a virgin. He is just that unattractive to me.

Then he says, “I apologize for having my glasses on, because I think I have amazing eyes.” He takes his sunglasses off and the only amazing thing about his eyes is that those roaming orbs actually provide him sight. Seriously his eyes are no better than the rest of him.

Then Mama NY began questioning the sexuality of a number of these guys. The majority of them actually seem to be gay and I’m glad that she is putting it out there to them. They are fooling no one. She first asks the John Legend/Lyfe Jennings hybrid about his sexuality before moving on to Rico, T-Weed, and Real. Of that group, T-Weed is the one who strikes me as gay.

Rico doesn’t seem gay to me and Real could either be gay or just really soft.

She also questions Wood’s sexuality and asks if he ever been hit on by a man. He calmly tells her, “No, I don’t play that.”

Then she gets to 12 Pack, who seems gay to the 9th power. Even his giggly denial seemed really gay. He’s way too tanned and tweezes his eyebrows. I would imagine at least 10 of these 20 guys are gay.

New York finds out that Pootie is a male servant and she thinks he’s a gigolo, which is probably true.

Mama NY sits down and talks with Mr. Boston and I think he has Turrets. He has like these nervous facial twitches and ticks. He seemed fine and completely normal when arguing with Chance. I think Mama NY makes him nervous, because she makes me nervous through the television.

I find those twitches and ticks frightening and I want him sent home because of them.

12 Pack jumped into the pool and invited New York in, but she declined because she did not want to ruin her weave. She said that her hair was expensive and real good Indian hair and she didn’t want it to look like straw later. Lies. Her hair was of Walmart quality, looked really cheap, and already looked like straw. A dip in the pool could have possibly helped her hair out.

New York and Rico get a moment alone and he asks if he can give her an affectionate nickname. He asks if he can call her “mi negrita”. It immediately sounds like nigger to her and she’s offended. He tells her that it means little black girl, which she still does not like. She then starts ranting and raving about how dare he come to her mansion and call her a black nigger or some nonsense.

Overreacting would be an understatement, New York was absolutely livid and her reaction was inappropriate. Even little Chamo seemed a bit tired of the whole thing and tried to diffuse the situation.

He told NY that saying mi negrita is a term of endearment in latin countries.  She still does not care and dismisses him saying, “Well I’m not from latin.” A genius, this New York.

Then the gay dog guy is back, talking about that damned dog. He claims that God wants him and New York to be together. She thinks he’s “fuckin loony”, but also thinks he’s just sensitive and romantic. Well, I still just think he’s gay and maybe harboring an extra chromosome.

The puppy guy has moved on from NY and is now talking to Mama NY. He tells her that she reminds him of his mother. He says, “You’re 100 percent, straight just like her to a tee.” Mama NY then asks if his mother is a black woman. Mr. Romance seems dumbfounded by the question, but that could just have been editing. Either way, he never said Mama NY looked anything like his mother, who is obviously not a black woman.

Chance comes and sits near Mama NY and Romance and Mama NY tells him to get away from her and blows cigarette smoke in his face. They bicker back and forth and she lets it be known how much she hates him and that he will be one of the 5 men eliminated that night. He goes off on a tangent about how nobody disrespects him and at this point my love for Chance has been drained and is verging on tedium.

Mama NY believes he’s criminally insane and that he has to go. While I’ve grown bored with him by this point, he is still the most interesting part of this show. Him leaving will do nothing for the ratings.

NY tells chance that she is “feeling the fuck out of him” and asks if he will apologize to her mother. He agrees to apologize, but when he tries Mama NY is buying none of what he’s selling and doesn’t want him near her or speaking to her for any reason at all. Chance says, “For a little self sanity for my damn self, I apologized.” He’s so retarded.

NY and Mama NY sit alone in a room and evaluate the guys and decide which ones to keep and which ones to throw away.

Finally there is an elimination ceremony.

The ceremony is exactly like the one on “Flavor of Love” where the men are lined up and the chosen ones get chains that say I love NY, as opposed to clocks. Chance is the last to be chosen and Mama NY jumps up and starts screaming and all but having a heart attack. Earlier she claimed if he stayed, she would go. I doubt she’ll go, she seems to love being on television.

Ace, Wood, T-Bone, T-Money and one more guy whose name I can’t remember were told they weren’t good enough and sent packing. Previews for the rest of the season were shown and there looks to be a lot of drama and fighting.

This show was pretty ridiculous, but not even half as entertaining as its predecessor, which wouldn’t be so bad if this show wasn’t trying to be an exact duplicate of “Flavor of Love.”

I’m almost positive it will be entertaining in the worst possible way, so I am going to try to check out a few more episodes before I decide whether or not I hate this show.