October 16, 2001
Yadda, yadda, yadda and Blah, blah, blah
Whaddup babees, this is ya main Bitter Chick hollerin at ya'll when my ass should be out at a club, getting drunk and giving out fake phone numbers. I'm here all late on a Saturday night, home in my jammies cuz my ass is flat out briz-oke. If I put my hand in my pocket right about now, all I'd come out with is a gum wrapper and a piece of lint..treasure! So since ya'll love me so much I thought I should end the Bitter silence I left ya'll in and throw some shit at you….
Certain Level of Shadiness
I know ya'll remember my birfday was bout 3 weeks ago, lawd am I glad that shit is over. You ever notice how shady some of your friends and family get around your birthday? All my homegirls mysteriously disappeared, hell they dropped off the face of the earth in the days leading up to and following my birthday. You woulda thought I done gave them a list of shit to buy me or something..it wasn't no list, I just scribbled down some ideas, got dayum don't hate on me. Even my family, the shadiness was in full effect. My sister called and asked if she really had to buy me su'thin since last time we went out to the club she paid for my broke ass to get in. Now what the fuck is this shit? 10 dollars aint shit. It's times like these that make me bitter, got me into bitch mode in 1.2 seconds, I was bout to slap someone and it sho nuff wasn't myself. It aint even that she was trying to get outta getting her baby sister a gift, the point is I paid this bitch back the week before my birthday so whatthefuck was she speaking of? I hadda let her know su'thin about herself, I know ya'll would do the same shit..maybe just not so damn bitter. If this is how you gon' get down then… One- If you plan on coming to my b-day party, you will pay $5.00 for your portion of cake, and $2.00 for any additional pieces cuz I know how your stingy ass gets down with cake. Two- You will pay $3.00 for parking in my driveway, hell yes, if you got a problem with it I know a meter reader named Bertha who aint had no dick in 5 years, and you think I'm bitter?'. Three- next Holiday, birthday or etc, you get nothing, nada, be surprised if I even make you a homemade card out of toilet paper with happy birthday scribbled in some crayola crayon, I recall the color is called doo-doo brown. And if you open your mouth to even try to talk some shit you'll get a bonus gift, my fist all up in your grill…think I'm playin'.
Needless to say, that bitch sent me a gift and didn't show up at the party. This aint no joke. I informed her that she could buy leftover cake for $2.00 a piece but she wouldn't be able to park in my driveway. Bertha could help her out. Who she think she is? There is only a certain level of shadiness a negro can take and this bitch done crossed that line. On an additional note: shout out to ya'll who sent me birfday cards and wishes. That was mad cool of all ya'll…the cake been gone though, so sorry for ya. Thanks for the luv.
Enuff of this shit…dirty whore bitches
This terrorism shit is getting on my nerves. Yeah it's sad, people died, yadda, yadda, yadda. War, still at risk and blah, blah, blah. I have an idea, why don't ya'll scare the American people just a lil more. People are scurred even if they aint sayin it, especially with this anthrax shit goin on all over the joint. People are shook. It's like daily on the #6 bus, there's a dude with this dirty ass grill, and bug eyes who has this nervous tick that makes him jerk his head back and forth and stick his tongue through the holes in his mouth where his teef used to be. He's forever carrying bags of soda cans and at any given point on the ride he yells out obscenities at the top of his lungs. Imagine this guy on a normal day…now imagine this dude on September 12th. I don't know his story, maybe he was in the Vietnam war or su'thin, other riders stay as far away from him as possible. All of a sudden though it seems like dude is havin flashbacks, either that or he's finally lost it. Now instead of screaming "fuckin bitch, dirty whore" he's been screaming "hit the deck, it's a bomb…dirty fuckin whore bitches". It is pure comedy, lately e'rytime he does it, for some odd reason… people listen. I told you people is shook. You already know how I feel about this whole thing, yeah it's sad that all them peoples died, something needs to be done. But I'm also bitter bout the shit surrounding this, like ya'll didn't know..
First, ever since that day people been collecting moolah for rescue relief and god only knows what else…I wanna know where the fuck this money is really going, who gets it and why the fuck can't I get in on it? I'm suffering too, I can hardly afford to live. Now we got businesses putting shit on sale, trying to get people to buy cars, houses, anything. Who the fuck's got money like that? Not me, that's fa sho. What good does that sale do me in my one bedroom apartment, living on Ramen Noodles?
Then they got people getting hit with anthrax a whole month later, what the fuck was the FBI doing last month? They didn't know shit bout no anthrax? Donuts musta been on sale "to help the economy" too. I'm just so sick of hearing about this. Plus these bitches be interrupting my stories with their "special news reports." If I miss General Hospital one more time someone's gonna feel my foot lodged snuggly up their ass. Interrupting my tv shows for the president or secretary of some shit to speak about something that we can't do nada about, GRRRRRRR. For real though, I was so much happier being po and bitter without having to worry about any of this shit. The thing that gets me more bitter (if that's possible) is that it's only gonna get worse, and we all gonna suffer especially us people who was po and messed up before any of this happened. I just wish I didn't have to see no more newspaper headlines about this shit, no more news specials and even talk shows are getting off on this, believe that the eye rollin is in full effect...Could it get any worse? Soon, I'ma start screamin obscenities. Don't be scurred….Dirty whores, suck a dick.
Where are they now?
Okay ya'll know I love talking bout music, the shit talking about music, in my mind will never end. There is just too much shit to talk and not enuff time. Shit done changed, we can't expect the music industry to do a standstill in 1995. It's still saddening that bout 80% of the music put out today is straight garbage not even worthy enuff for the bargain bin. To make a little fun out of it I thought I'd make a list of some cats who in the near future will be bagging groceries or bussing tables for $5.25 an hour at Denny's…even if they do make it these cats still deserve to be working for minimum wage, they just that weak. Here's just a few:
Bubba Sparxxx: I know ya'll might not agree but I don't give a fuck. This tubby bitch aint goin nowhere, at least not with me. Yeah Tim's beats are hot, but it ends there. You'll be asking the greasy counter kid at your local reckka stow " is this available in instrumental?" The white redneck thing is straight gimmicky…it just don't fly with me and seeing the mud, animals and dirty white people missing teef in the video results in multiple exercises in my gag reflex. Yeah I talk shit about rednecks but when they're making fun of themselves and their trailer park trash-ness, it takes all the fun outta it for me. In a perfect world, the next time we see this fat fuck will be when he appears on the Jerry Springer show called "I have sex with farm animals".
St. Lunatics: No one can argue with me on this one, they are weak, it's like these cats (Nelly included) who can't decide if they a hip hop artist or an R&B singer. How you gonna have a cd out and still not be recognized anywhere? That's
bad business. If it weren't for Nelly, these cats would still be working at the local hospital emptying bed pans and changing shit stained bed sheets..now I know why that one dude wears a mask.
Afroman: Duh! Thousands of white college guys are bangin this right now thinking it's the shizznit, yeahhh duuude this jam is so totally awesome, I love some Pot! Afroman is prolly already peddling his cd's on the side of some dirt road in Tuscaloosa, Alabama. His sign says "WHO LET THE DOGS OUT CD'S $4.00" Thinkin he's getting over on someone. Yup soon he'll be emptying garbage cans at the free clinic, watch out for them dirty needles dawg.
Nate Dogg: I know what ya'll sayin, he been "out" for quite some time, yeah, duh, I know. All I can say about Nate Dogg is that he's one persistent chubby fuck. He never goes away does he? His voice is monotone, I don't know. If he ever laughed or smiled, his grill might crack. He's prolly still working at Burger King waiting for his big break. Listen Nate…fuck the record deal, get me a whopper with cheese and take it easy on the onions this time man. I saw you put my change in yo pocket, don't make me get the manager.
Lil Kim: Yeah I know, she's supposedly a hip hop veteran by now but got dayum I still pray that she will just go away. I never really liked Kim, her "lyrical skills" were never up to par for my taste and her voice is enuff to make me take a needle and poke out my own ear drums; blood and all, bring it on. I'd rather listen to someone run their nails down a chalkboard than listen to Kim struggle with a rhyme. She was wrong when she thought all she needed was a stand out appearance, it hurt her more than help her. Even men turn away in disgust sometimes. I wonder how hard it is for Lil Cease to keep a straight face when this nasty bitch is always making a fool of herself. Here's a lil tip to Kim: never leave the house without make-up on again, unless you plan to provide barf bags for passers by. I hope to see her face (with make-up) on a milk carton someday in the not so distant future.
No Money, Mo problems
I been deep in the thick of looking for a new job..don't worry I'll still complain about being broke, let's not break tradition. Looking for a job is one of the most frustrating things we ever have to go through, to me it's just a pain in the ass and downright degrading. The job interview is a big ole piece of shit. I aint trying to sell myself to no one for $9.00 an hour so if ya'll expect me to dress up and smile in your face, and tell you everything you wanna hear…you got the wrong bitch. You're looking for someone with more experience? Then whatchu call me for? You want me to have my own transportation? You buying me a car? You need someone who can work 40-50 hours a week? Can I bring my son, computer, dirty laundry and dishes to work so I can get some of that shit taken care of? That's regoddamndiculous. If ya'll put out a "help wanted" sign and need employees, tell me what you can do for me… not what I can do for you and we'll go from there.
Most jobs that don't require a degree is basic common sense, maybe a little bit of training but you don't need no skills for it, so when you ask how much experience I have at this and I say nada…don't give me that look, cuz you'll just get me even more pissed. I'm pretty sure we've heard enuff about disgruntled employees, don't make yaself a statistic. I'm bout to say fuck finding a job, I'll become one of them jobless bitches who start out every conversation with "Did you see what happened on Ricki Lake this week?" and I'll sleep in until noon then sit outside on the porch in my pajamas and flip flops scaring away all the neighborhood chil'ren with a broom.
I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I know I'm better than some secretary job, I aint stooping to that level of filing papers, sitting in a cubicle with felt walls or getting fat old people continuous cups of coffee. I will not bag no one's groceries, make no one lunch, clean up after anybody, I won't be quiet, and I will not be sexually harassed by the boss who has kids older then me; I aint your cupcake you dirty old man… So now that we narrowed down the field what I'm left with is the conclusion that nothing is gonna make me happy. Go figure. It's all part of being a bitter bitch. I just can't win. Did ya'll see Jenny Jones on Friday? That shit was off the hook.
It's bout that time, I'm bouts to take my ass to bizz-ed. Let the knowledge I threw at you marinate. Nasty ass muthafuckin whores.
Until next time keep it bitter and talk much shit.
Smoochies!
- Shortycake aka That Bitter Chick aka Trish
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